Why is it so damn hard to let go of needing external validation?
The surprising lessons birds can teach us about feeling safe enough to be authentic
Friends,
I’m really struck that the 2 most popular posts I wrote this year were about shifting from ‘should’ to ‘want’, and overcoming the barriers to being ourselves at work. Basically, it feels like the theme of 2022 is authenticity.
Being our authentic selves can often feel like a double bind — what we most long for, yet don’t feel safe expressing if it doesn’t get us external validation.
Why does this feel so hard? In short, when humans operated in hunter gatherer tribes, it was essential to remain a part of the group. If we did things that got us kicked out of the group, we were dinner for the lions and tigers. (Oh my!) And so, over hundreds of thousands of years our nervous systems evolved to blend in.
That is, in the name of our own survival, our nervous systems instinctively learned to mimic what’s valued. We learned to chase status symbols and do what gets us external validation (instead of what we really want) … because it feels safe.
I know this pattern well because it’s what I unconsciously did for years!
And it’s this fear of being our true selves and desire to find safety through mimicry that drives Impostor Syndrome (and it’s cousin People Pleasing). In fact, it’s one of the most common challenges among the high-achieving leaders I work with — especially with women, people of color, and members of other marginalized groups.
The problem with mimicry? What we exile in ourselves — like our creativity, uniqueness, and quirkiness — is never lost; it needs to be expressed.
Amazonian Mourner Birds: A fascinating case study in authenticity
In the Amazon, it doesn’t necessarily pay to be yourself — especially when you’re young and defenseless. So, Mourner chicks are born with bright orange fuzz with black polka dots that uncannily resemble the large, hairy toxic caterpillars indigenous to their corner of the jungle. The flightless baby nestlings’ colors contrast with the adults’. And when their nests are disturbed, the chicks don’t cry out for food as most other chicks do. Instead, they start bobbing their heads and dancing in a way that looks remarkably like the toxic caterpillars evolution has taught them to unconsciously mimic.
Check out this video of them, it’s remarkable to watch:
These baby mourner birds look so much like the fearsome caterpillars they mimic — in size, color, and movement (because they tuck away their non-caterpillar looking parts) — that researchers didn’t realize they were birds until they got up close.
What’s most fascinating to me is that when their parents return to the nest, the chicks do the same caterpillar dance. It’s only when the adults make a special set of sounds — this bird’s equivalent of a secret handshake — that the nestlings know it’s safe to drop the ruse and reveal their true selves. “The coast is clear my little chickadees,” I imagine these mamma birds communicating to their flock.
Researchers hypothesize that these mourner birds developed this capacity to impersonate because they’re particularly vulnerable: it takes them 3 weeks to develop enough to fly (while other species start flying as soon as 10 days), and their nests are little more than a humble bunch of leaves pushed together on the forest floor.
The lessons for us as leaders?
I think there are at least 2 major lessons:
Mimicry is only meant to be a phase. As they grow, the chicks eventually drop the ruse and come into their full selves. As humans — especially as leaders trying to foster cultures that bring out the unique genius in others — I believe we’re meant to do the same: we’re meant to stand out.
The world has changed dramatically from the time we lived in hunter gatherer tribes — it’s easy to get food, and we’re unlikely to be eaten by lions. Blending in now means being average and following an unsustainable status quo (see: climate change), even if our nervous systems crave the seeming safety of validation from others.Signaling to our nervous system that we’re safe is critical in helping us let go of mimicry and the need for external validation. We may not get a secret handshake, but consciously cuing our nervous system — through sleep, time in nature, exercise, massage, meditation, and practices like yoga / qigong — sends the message that we don’t need to be in fight/flight/freeze/people-please, and can switch into the parasympathetic nervous system (responsible for ‘rest & digest’).
In the midst of this era of enormous change and turbulence, I think this has enormous consequences for our shared civic and political life. If we don’t know how to find safety within ourselves, we double down on trying to find safety in tribalism. But when we can’t find ways to express who we really are, that desire comes out sideways — often in the form of aggressive conflict or violence.
Baby birds need to molt in order to fly. I’m curious: what do you need to let go of to fly?
Drop a note in the comments below! I’d love to hear!
Melissa’s Reading List
How several animals have evolved to masquerade as very different species. (National Geographic, 6 min)
If you’d like to learn more about the Cinereous Mourner chicks and other species, this is a fun deep dive!
ICYMI: Want to grow into being your authentic self at work? (5 min)
In this most popular post of the year, I break down the 3 most common limiting beliefs that keep people from growing into their unique selves, and offer approaches to rework them.
Podcast: Adam Grant on Authenticity is a Double Edged Sword (TED, 39 min)
"Just be yourself." That's popular work advice these days, with more and more companies encouraging people to “be authentic” and bring their whole selves to work. But when we get real at the wrong time or in the wrong way, it can backfire. This podcast asks through the latest research in the field: What does effective authenticity look like, and how can we learn to strike the right balance?
Book Rec: Courage to Create by Rollo May
In this trenchant volume, Rollo May helps all of us find those creative impulses that, once liberated, offer new possibilities for achievement. A renowned therapist and inspiring guide, Dr. May draws on his experience to show how we can break out of old patterns in our lives.
ohhh - I love that analogy and both those lessons you found in the baby birds! Mimicry is just supposed to be a phase... yes!