Why I'm saying no to dead Roman dictators running my life
How the pandemic taught me about the freedom of renewable energy
Friends, over the last few weeks — in fits and starts — I have tried to sit down, review the year that just passed, and set intentions for 2022. Again and again, I find I’m too weary to try to imagine what the future could hold. My current mood is more sweats and Netflix than taking the world by storm.
Based on conversations I’ve had with some of you recently, I know I’m not alone. We’re collectively running on fumes.
Part of me wants to call on my “better” nature to think big — to make this year better than the last. But, another part of me that knows this isn’t the time to set new, energy consuming dreams into motion. I need to protect the precious bandwidth I have.
We’ve gone through two very long years, and so very much has changed. Many of the old structures we relied on have fallen (or are falling) by the wayside. Rather than this being a time of new growth, it’s a season for the old to fall away, compost, and fertilize the ground of what’s to come.
To force new green shoots might be delusional and out of sync with the rhythm of the times, or require the equivalent of energy intensive hot houses. And as the broader climate is showing us, when we draw down our reserves of non-renewable energy, we burn ourselves and our environment out.
The part of me that is clamoring for “big” and “new” is the voice of what got us into our current mess. It’s the voice that wants to push through, to power through even if it’s depleting my resources.
While this voice can be helpful at times — e.g., in motivating me to exercise (which is actually a “need” to feel good in my body) — when we predominantly operate from “should” instead of “want”, we’re running on willfulness — a non-renewable fuel.
“Should” depletes us. It’s usually a sign we’re being driven by desires that aren’t aligned with our instincts. Or, that we’ve internalized beliefs out of integrity with our own.
Like when I hear myself say: “I should set new year’s resolutions at the start of the year”, I wonder, “Says who?!” Everything in the wintry natural world here in the Northern Hemisphere is telling my animal body this is a time to go inward and rest.
The truth is January is an arbitrary starting line for a year. It’s an artifact of Julius Ceasar imposing his political will over the Roman Empire. Many traditional cultures connected to nature’s rhythms tend to start the new year around spring, or the halfway point between winter and spring (as with the Chinese lunar calendar*). So, why am I letting a long dead Roman dictator dictate the rhythms of my life?
“Should” makes us doubt what we know to be true, and pits us against our own nature. It’s the tip off that we’ve granted supremacy to something outside of ourselves or that doesn’t make sense for us and our context.
So when we start “should-ing” on ourselves, ask: Says who?
The ease and spaciousness of “want”, by contrast, is often a sign that we’re honoring our authentic rhythms.
These desires — the root of genuine vision (vs perpetuating a stale status quo) — well up from within, and are usually born from deep within our belly. There’s a deep sense of “Yes!” that’s clarifying and enlivening -vs- the kind of numbing that comes from temporary salves like Candy Crush (vs Wordle), bedtime revenge doomscrolling, online shopping, or our substance/distraction of choice (i.e., the nervous system’s freeze response). And it’s also distinct from knee-jerk compulsion (e.g., blind rage or panicky self-protection in fight/flight).
What’s been clarifying about not having the energy to dream “big” at this stage in the pandemic is that it’s helped shake out my “shoulds”. Because when I get honest about what I actually “want”, it’s quite simple: to feel fully alive.
I want to have the time and space to be able to experience the world through the eyes of wonder and play. I want to be nourished by a community of people I love and who love me. And I want my life to be a creative expression of beauty — supporting my own and others’ transformation through my unique gifts.
This for me is what it looks like to be in integrity with my soul. And when I let go of ideas of what I should want (e.g., the next promotion, 1m Instagram followers), life feels drastically simpler.
My body and nervous system relaxes. I feel free.
“Want” is the guidepost that we’re moving toward a future we genuinely desire. And when we’re connected to the integrity of our deepest longings, we’re propelled by the power of desire — an intrinsically renewable resource.
So, what is it that you genuinely want? It may just unlock our collective freedom and renewal.
I’d love to hear. Drop a comment below!
*PS, Happy year of the Tiger!
Melissa’s Reading & Watch List
Hope? I recently watched this episode of Netflix’s Street Food (29 min) about a working-class Oaxacan woman named Doña Vale who against many odds became one of the most famous memela makers in Mexico — acclaimed by everyone from top chefs to grateful tourists. The key to her unlikely success? She followed the joy she experienced when making tortillas as a girl.
Curious? Time millionaires: Meet the people pursuing the pleasure of leisure (The Guardian, 6 min)
Laugh? The attention span of a puppy (IG, 30 sec) …when we’re still learning to work with our desires. ;-)
In case you missed it… my last post on reclaiming the power of our inner authority. (And the best of the archive).
To learn more about the leadership coaching and organizational change consulting work I do, you can find me here.