Want to grow into being your authentic self at work?
Breaking down the 3 big barriers to being more ourselves in the office
The question that’s come up with virtually all of my coaching clients recently has been: “How can I be myself at work?”
What’s been interesting is that the reasons most people feel they can’t be themselves usually boil down to 3 types of challenges:
“Being honest about what I think will get me in trouble.”
“It feels unsafe to be authentic myself.”
“My work feels unbearable because it doesn’t align with my values or goals, but I feel stuck because I need the paycheck.”
I’ll break down each of these one by one…
Challenge #1: Being honest will get me in trouble
The key thing I notice is that people tend to frame honesty as a 0 or 100% issue — either be fake -or- brutally honest. And there are two myths that need to be busted here.
Myth #1 is that authenticity is brutal.
Authenticity isn’t intrinsically brutal. If we need to lash out, dominate, or be harsh in a way that seems unacceptable, it’s because there’s something in us that’s been harmed or is hurting. It’s a defense mechanism — an expression of fight (the first of the 4F’s — fight/flight/freeze/fawn).
If we’re lashing out, it’s because we feel like an animal that’s been backed into a corner. Defense mechanisms may be reflexive to the parts of us that feel unsafe, but they’re usually not authentic to the most brilliant leader within — the version of us that brings out the genius in others, supports connection, and takes responsibility for our actions.
(If this is you, as the first step in taking responsibility, ask: “What’s the part of me that feels hurt?” Or, “What need hasn’t been met?”)
When we look at the Latin root of the word “authentic”, it comes from authenticus — “coming from the author”. So authenticity isn’t about our reflexive or automatic responses, it’s about being our own “author”. It’s an active and creative process to grow into the kind of leader we have the capacity to be — aligned with our values and gifts.
Myth #2 is that honesty is all or nothing.
As I’ve alluded to, there are different levels of honesty — reactive vs proactive. Once we’re aware of what’s driving our reactive, knee-jerk reactions, it’s easier to then be honest with ourselves about what’s really going on — and proactively see if there’s a more direct or constructive way we can address the hurt or underlying need.
And if we’ve decided that it’s worth continuing to invest in this relationship, then we can more intentionally initiate (aka, “author”) a conversation that serves the highest interests of ourselves, the other person/people, and our shared relationship.
Challenge #2: It feels unsafe to be my authentic self.
As a woman of color, this is a challenge that I’ve grappled with mightily. I have often worried that my differences would make other people uncomfortable and make it harder for others to relate with me. But I’ve learned that it’s not my responsibility to make others feel comfortable with my differences, and that other peoples’ discomfort is different from being unsafe.
To test these waters, it helps to consciously wade into the pool rather than jump into the deep end.
Four questions I like that you can ask yourself (articulated by HBR’s Dorie Clark):
What’s your evidence for believing you’ll be penalized? Unless we’ve seen direct evidence, it’s just conjecture.
What’s the worst that could happen? For some categories of “authenticity”, the consequences may loom larger in our imagination than reality.
What exactly would you do differently if you were acting like your real self? Getting specific here helps turn what often feels amorphous into something far more do-able.
Is there a way to conduct a pilot? If it feels risky to go all in on being yourself, what are small experiments you could run to get data?
Generally, most of the leaders I work with find that it’s safer to be more of themselves than they originally realize. And when we don’t need to invest as much energy in “fitting in”, “being perfect” to win others’ approval, or “performing” by being two people during the day, it instead frees up energy that once went into anxiety (or ignoring our genuine feelings) into being our most creative and integrated selves.
Challenge #3: My work doesn’t align with my values, but I need the paycheck [or need to stay for some other reason].
This is the one that often feels most soul crushing. I’ve felt this one acutely at many points during my career.
When clients come to me with this challenge, the key question I ask is: “What do you have influence over?” That is, can you influence enough change over your niche in the organization so that you can feel in integrity about being part of this organization (for the duration that you need to stay)?
Some clients have found that by pushing back on their managers or by pursuing new projects, it has allowed them to find greater autonomy in how they do things on their team, or what they spend their energy on.
But, if this can’t cut it, then it may be time to find another organization or go out on your own — places where you can find alignment. And as someone who has been self-employed for many years, this can be both terrifying, but exhilarating!
Melissa’s Reading List
If you’d like to go deeper on this question of how to grow into your most authentic self, here’s a few books I recommend:
Be Water, My Friend by Bruce Lee’s daughter Shannon Lee
Prior to reading this book, I didn’t know much about Bruce Lee (other than him being a martial artist and movie star). Turns out the man at his core was a philosopher —an applied philosopher who made his life his art. And central to his life’s quest was the question: How can I be the most powerful, natural, and self-expressed version of myself?
His answer lies in his most famous quote:
"Be Water, My Friend.
Empty your mind.
Be formless, shapeless, like water.
You put water into a cup, it becomes the cup.
You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle.
You put it into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Now water can flow or it can crash.
Be water, my friend."
His daughter Shannon Lee does a beautiful job expanding on her father’s philosophy — sharing practical ways to bring this to life (albeit a bit hokey in some places).
Thank you S.V. for this rec!
The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to your True Self by Martha Beck
Inspired by The Divine Comedy, Beck uses Dante’s classic hero’s journey as a framework to break down the process of attaining personal integrity into small manageable steps — a four stage process. She shows how to read our internal signals that lead us towards our true path, and to recognize what we actually yearn for versus what our culture sells us.
Thank you J.G. for this rec!