Why I’m finally exhaling after two years
How play lifts us out of mundane ideas of how the world 'should' be to delight
Friends, after my recent piece on ‘should vs want’, a reader asked:
How do we let go of the seeming safety of ‘should’, and learn to lead from ‘want’?”
My answer: Play.
For me, travel is perhaps my favorite form of play. After being in survival mode for the last two years of the pandemic, my recent trip to Oaxaca, Mexico was the thaw I didn’t realize I needed to help reawaken my capacity to let myself be guided by enjoyment in the unknown. With love, M.
There is nothing more that I love than the anticipation of landing on foreign tarmac, and peering out the plane’s portholes to get a peek at the new land that I’m in.
Unlike the hulking maze of steel terminals I just left in San Francisco, it’s not in character for this relaxed airport in Oaxaca Mexico to have jetways, and so we’ll be climbing out onto the tarmac toward the straw-covered walkways. I smile. It always feels more intimate to me to walk the ground of a new place as soon as I arrive. It’s a proper greeting. And besides, palapas are always a sign of good things to come.
As I step the out the plane door and am greeted by balmy air, I realize just how ridiculous my puffy coat is now; so I shed the layer. The warm welcome is a surprise to my animal body that’s grown so accustomed to being so insular over the last two years of the pandemic.
I’ve spent so much time within the four walls of my home, that standing in a place that feels so open, I almost feel unsure if it’s safe to have the soft air caress my cheek. The part of me that’s been contracted in survival mode for two long years is in disbelief that life can feel gentle, even light, again.
The exuberance of this land is liberating.
Tall skinny cacti sometimes as tall as two stories soar toward vast azure skies, reminding my body to stretch after two years of being an indoor plant. The radiant tropical sun tells my body not just that it can thaw, but that it’s safe to be out in the world again. And the unapologetically bright colors and bold street art bursting from every street corner gradually reawakens the dopamine-induced joy of letting my eyes feast on color.
Each of these expressions of warmth, creativity, and aliveness cues my body that it can thaw — that it can release the biology of vigilance, and that my nervous system can switch into rest mode.
This is the exhale I didn’t realize I needed after holding my breath for the last two years.
All of the survival energy that my nervous system put into protecting me during the pandemic is getting metabolized (completing the stress cycle), and coaxed outward again into a completely different way of being.
Each new discovery in this beautiful and unfamiliar place is like an unintentional ritual signaling to my body that it’s safe to come back to myself, and that I can receive life as an adventure again.
And seeing that this reality exists in parallel just a few hours away from home helps my body realize that there is another way of being. It upends my habitual assumptions about how the world is and will be. It reawakens the exuberance I so naturally embodied as a child where I was led by play — exploring, pushing my limits, trying things — simply because it is fun.
Play lifts us out of the mundane, out of the sometimes heavy things of the world. It holds life in a more expansive context where things seem less serious — which is perhaps the proper balance anyway.
We’re told as adults that it’s not seemly to play because it’s doesn’t meet that bar that so much of adulting comes down to: it’s not “productive”. But as play researcher Stuart Brown notes:
“If we stop playing, we share the fate of all animals that grow out of play. Our behavior becomes fixed … and hierarchical.”
When we get serious and focus on what’s wrong, it reinforces states of distress. It sends our physiology back into a state of fight/flight/freeze where we focus on survival and holding onto the status quo. So, if we don’t play, it literally becomes harder to adapt to a changing world. Without the joy of discovery, we grow stagnant.
Play expands our capacity to experience and process more of life. Rather than getting caught in the limits of our habitual ideas or expectations, it lets us explore how things actually are and can be.
As naturalist Diane Ackerman writes in Deep Play:
“The more an animal needs to learn in order to survive, the more it needs to play. …Play is widespread among animals because it invites [experimentation], allowing a creature to test its limits and develop strategies. In a world where dramas change daily, survival belongs to the agile not the idle.”
In these times of rapid change, play is perhaps not just the most “productive” way to meet the future, but also the most delightful and proper way to greet the unknown.
So, where is play calling you next?
I’d love to hear — drop a comment!
Melissa’s Reading & Watch List
Hope: Stuart Brown’s TED talk on “Play is More than just Fun” (26 min)
This is a great overview of Stuart Brown’s surprising life’s work on the power of play. His most surprising finding is how the rough-and-tumble play of children actually prevents violence, and helps grow our unique genius.
Curiosity: Learning to see the world through different eyes via animal tracking
After my recent trip to Mexico, I’ve been trying to make it a practice to keep up this spirit of discovery by going on regular local adventures. My most recent one was learning how to go animal tracking at Point Reyes National Park to develop a new way of seeing the natural world. It blew my mind! I’m curious, what local adventures do you recommend?
ICYMI: Why I’m saying no to Roman Dictators running my life (5 min)
My recent essay on learning to let go of ‘should’ in favor of the sustainable energy of ‘want’. This has been one of readers’ favorite pieces to date!